For the past two and a half months I've been suffering from an inflammation in my wrist, making me unable to play any games or anything of the sort. It's gotten better but my thumb still hurts after using it for a time, so not healed entirely. During this time I have spent hours on thinking. Reflecting. Contemplating.
I've read more books than in long. I've written more words than I have in two years; shame it was all bad but still. Yet I've never felt more isolated. Hardly a single person has spoken to me outside of my family members. I am a solitary person; but I am also a very non-solitary person. I don'y quite grasp it myself. I've lost countless friends to not being able to keep up to their social pace. They want to do things often or it's almost as if you are not friends. It's so different for people, especially people with assburgers like me.
I've almost always felt lonely inside. Even when I used to have friends. I don't know, it's like I want to talk to people often but I also get sooooo tired. Social interactions literally drain me, I don't even know how I got through school. I don't really know what my point with all this is... I just feel alone. And I know I'm partly responsible for losing so many friends through the years; even if a lot of them didn't bother contacting me either I was no better.
And so here we are, in a situation where probably only my family would get sad if I died. That's also something I've been reflecting a lot over. Suicide. I'm scared of dying but more scared of living, so I probably idealise it in a sick way. A way out. Endless white noise and sleep. No more pain or fears. There might not be any love either but in my state I don't feel that is much loss.
So yeah, to prevent myself from slicing my wrists open (even when gently stroking them, eyeing at them as if they were taunting me with how close it really always it) I made a little list of things. Things to remember when it's midnight and nobody loves you. Things to remember when the itch for the end crawls through your goddamn spine; like a tumour eating your body whole. Things to remember when you remember that you love your mother, love your brother and feel the infinite guilt of not being better for their sake.
1. Shadow Domain's debut album.
2. Cyberpunk 2077.
3. Red Dead Redemption 2.
4. To finish a story; even if it is a bad one.
5. Read books. (Still have not read Neuromancer tsk.)
6. Second season of Altered Carbon.
7. Seeing Hob finish the God-run.
8. Consider learning French.
9. My guinea pigs.
10. Read. Write. Read. Write.
11. Play Riven one more time.
12. Metro Exodus.
13. Use all the bath-bombs/oils etc I have.
14. Evil Within 2 100% achievements.
15. RE:2 remake.
16. LDR new album.
Perhaps it would also be of best interest that I remind myself of a few things: it is never too late to kill yourself, nobody will ever care as much as you do about yourself and in death we are forgotten.
