Included but secluded.

I hate New Years Eve. I don't really know why. I've tried lots of different things during the years incuding the "normal" activities other people seem to like; one year I was actually in the town centre and at some party my classmates had invited me to, but I didn't really like it. I guess I was curious, I had never been to something of the like and suppose I had some innocence left back then. I wanted to enjoy it because everyone else did, but I really didn't. I wanted to go home and be alone, be miserable in peace. That's the thing, I never felt less lonely no matter what I did. Another year I was with a few friends at his place and had a nice dinner, which was fun but also a draining experience. I never felt like I belonged anywhere, and I guess I never will.

I will forever feel alone and alienated but at the same time I am cursed with not having enough social energy nor mental health to make it go away. I don't really know where I am going with this, I am rambling and the text is not really cohesive nor makes much sense. It is 2am and my brain just simply won't be quiet.

I have always been like this, I just don't know why I bothered trying before. yeah well whatever happy new shitty year, see if we will make it through it one more time

A pyre of black sunflowers

I've lost all my friends
And I can't really make amends
For turning back into my shell
Put the daggers in their place

An alien amongst men,
included but still separated
An invisible veil of isolation
No energy even in my own damnation

As if spending half of this year with an aching wrist and numb thumb wasn't bad enough, the symptoms are getting worse on other parts. Hopefully my time will be soon after new years eve. To the hospital, I didn't realise it sounded like dying otherwise. Some days it aches terribly, some days are luckily less. I don't even know anymore...

Life, such a fleeting strange thing it is. Fill it with books, games and medicines to forget the world; to flee if only for a moment.


I was born into this world yes, but I don't think I was ever truly part of it.