From the ups and the downs and the eternal inner emptiness, there was actually a moment of content in there. And the content emotion was cut short by how my pc once more was plagued by unwillingness to cooperate. In comparison to my guinea pigs declining health it however seems rather futile, for she of course outweighs it. My lovely little furballs; oh how I love them. I hope I can help her.
“there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock.
people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love.
people just are not good to each other
one on one.
the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.
we are afraid.
our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners.
it hasn't told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.
or the terror of one person
aching in one place
alone
untouched
unspoken to
watering a plant.”
― Love Is a Dog from Hell
So 2019 has passed. I see them moving, people I used to know, and I'm nought but a snail in comparison. I age just the same but my boots still tremble over the same mud as always. If there is anything I am good at in this world it is losing friends. Not even over petty squabbles, but from silence. I am terrible at keeping in touch. I didn't use to be this bad at it either, but even just replying to people I don't even know on social media can take me daaaays. I don't even know if this is due to aspergers or what it is, maybe I'm just uncapable.
I'm getting old. I dread the future, tomorrow, today and yesterday. Some days I really don't know how to find the will to live. Every human is unhappy time to time, but oh do I envy those that do not feel this perpetual inner void. A chasm that swallows things. Indeed I do sometimes ponder if I simply enjoy my own misery too much without knowing it and keeps me in it; or if the chords are just not all connected. A glitch on the way. Or is it due to years of masking myself unknowingly to cope; being lost in a forest of other peoples thoughts, feelings and beliefs?
I had a nice doctor over at psych ward, and finally got to try some ADHD-medicine. First ones didn't work but then one suddenly did. And it was such a difference. Of course that good doctor had to quit, so know we all know it is going downwards again. It's really not easy to get a doctor that understands all the different layers to aspergers, adhd and depression. Most talk straight from a book they've read, assuming so many of us are just the same. It isn't true at all. However; it helped a lot in concentrating, starting and doing things in general. And somehow it lead me back to painting. I've always enjoyed it but never could focus on doing it. And that is something I truly appreciate.
I regret not photographing much anymore... But I've been struggling, to find a way outside. To go outside... at all...
It's strange how much I love music and can not live without it; yet I am so completely fucking useless at playing instruments and creating music and all that... Such a shame; how old and fragile we've all become.
