Included but secluded.

I hate New Years Eve. I don't really know why. I've tried lots of different things during the years incuding the "normal" activities other people seem to like; one year I was actually in the town centre and at some party my classmates had invited me to, but I didn't really like it. I guess I was curious, I had never been to something of the like and suppose I had some innocence left back then. I wanted to enjoy it because everyone else did, but I really didn't. I wanted to go home and be alone, be miserable in peace. That's the thing, I never felt less lonely no matter what I did. Another year I was with a few friends at his place and had a nice dinner, which was fun but also a draining experience. I never felt like I belonged anywhere, and I guess I never will.

I will forever feel alone and alienated but at the same time I am cursed with not having enough social energy nor mental health to make it go away. I don't really know where I am going with this, I am rambling and the text is not really cohesive nor makes much sense. It is 2am and my brain just simply won't be quiet.

I have always been like this, I just don't know why I bothered trying before. yeah well whatever happy new shitty year, see if we will make it through it one more time

A pyre of black sunflowers

I've lost all my friends
And I can't really make amends
For turning back into my shell
Put the daggers in their place

An alien amongst men,
included but still separated
An invisible veil of isolation
No energy even in my own damnation

As if spending half of this year with an aching wrist and numb thumb wasn't bad enough, the symptoms are getting worse on other parts. Hopefully my time will be soon after new years eve. To the hospital, I didn't realise it sounded like dying otherwise. Some days it aches terribly, some days are luckily less. I don't even know anymore...

Life, such a fleeting strange thing it is. Fill it with books, games and medicines to forget the world; to flee if only for a moment.


I was born into this world yes, but I don't think I was ever truly part of it.

The Anchour.

Am I holding you hostage for a future less than ideal, less than you deserve? You are free with wings yet to be spread; if only you dare fly. I am your anchour, dragging you down to the bottom of the sea. If you had seen the sky above the clouds you too would join the orchestra of potential. I loved in fear; you loved in whole and for that I will cut our bounds. The depths of the sea is no place to be when the world lies ahead of you; when there is a life yet to live. I am the anchour and it is time for you to sail away.

They'll clap when you're gone

For the past two and a half months I've been suffering from an inflammation in my wrist, making me unable to play any games or anything of the sort. It's gotten better but my thumb still hurts after using it for a time, so not healed entirely. During this time I have spent hours on thinking. Reflecting. Contemplating.

I've read more books than in long. I've written more words than I have in two years; shame it was all bad but still. Yet I've never felt more isolated. Hardly a single person has spoken to me outside of my family members. I am a solitary person; but I am also a very non-solitary person. I don'y quite grasp it myself. I've lost countless friends to not being able to keep up to their social pace. They want to do things often or it's almost as if you are not friends. It's so different for people, especially people with assburgers like me.

I've almost always felt lonely inside. Even when I used to have friends. I don't know, it's like I want to talk to people often but I also get sooooo tired. Social interactions literally drain me, I don't even know how I got through school. I don't really know what my point with all this is... I just feel alone. And I know I'm partly responsible for losing so many friends through the years; even if a lot of them didn't bother contacting me either I was no better.

And so here we are, in a situation where probably only my family would get sad if I died. That's also something I've been reflecting a lot over. Suicide. I'm scared of dying but more scared of living, so I probably idealise it in a sick way. A way out. Endless white noise and sleep. No more pain or fears. There might not be any love either but in my state I don't feel that is much loss.


So yeah, to prevent myself from slicing my wrists open (even when gently stroking them, eyeing at them as if they were taunting me with how close it really always it) I made a little list of things. Things to remember when it's midnight and nobody loves you. Things to remember when the itch for the end crawls through your goddamn spine; like a tumour eating your body whole. Things to remember when you remember that you love your mother, love your brother and feel the infinite guilt of not being better for their sake.


1. Shadow Domain's debut album. 
2. Cyberpunk 2077. 
3. Red Dead Redemption 2.
4. To finish a story; even if it is a bad one. 
5. Read books. (Still have not read Neuromancer tsk.)
6. Second season of Altered Carbon. 
7. Seeing Hob finish the God-run. 
8. Consider learning French. 
9. My guinea pigs. 
10. Read. Write. Read. Write. 
11. Play Riven one more time. 
12. Metro Exodus. 
13. Use all the bath-bombs/oils etc I have. 
14. Evil Within 2 100% achievements.
15. RE:2 remake. 
16. LDR new album. 


Perhaps it would also be of best interest that I remind myself of a few things: it is never too late to kill yourself, nobody will ever care as much as you do about yourself and in death we are forgotten.

Guinea pigs

Pictures from the late summer of 2017. Fluffis (the lil baby) was still so tiny here! Believe she was around one month old at the time. They're both bigger now, Midori was also kind of tiny since she had lost so much weight when pregnant.

An ode to Snultri.

( Rest in Peace 2012 - 2017 )

Every time I was I would go downstairs and you would always be there. You'd come forward, wanting to be picked up even. The only piggie I've had who could sit and snuggle with you for hours. We used to watch films together in the couch, we sat in the grass together when it was warm so you could eat your favourite food and we bonded. When your cagepartner, my poor beautiful little Ai-pon, died it broke my heart because you always stood at the edge of the cage waiting for me because you didn't want to be alone. I think you didn't stop missing her and neither do I. Every pet is special.

I worried about you lots of times. In the pet store you were by yourself and I immediately knew I wanted you. When you were only one year you got pneumonia and they said you might now live, but you did. We changed litter to make it less dusty to make it better for you. This is naught but ramblings from me, but I miss you and I think I always will.

It was in the beginning of December. I was sitting downstairs watching her, thinking she seemed to be both restless yet tired. She was walking back and forth between two spaces she'd lie down in. I felt a worry build up, I knew. I knew something was wrong. I decided not to bother her because she seemed so sleepy... I wish I had though. The next morning she was dead. My beautiful sweet baby girl. She was so close to her 6th birthday too... I was so angry with myself for not following my instincts and wasted her last hours. I should have been there, I should have stayed.

Love you both; always.

flesh doll for sale

I want to buy so many things... 

- A new graphics card 
- A new lens for my camera
- A new ball-jointed doll 
- A Blue Yeti microphone 
- A second monitor

Not even they can stop me now