It all feels covered in a strange haze now; all the memories, the words and the feelings. Was I even there? Has anything been real or really mattered? I feel flat, like a line on a crossword. Meaningless. It all feels like it didn't happen to me but it happened to someone else. And now I am lost in the dark maze with no way out. The worst prison of them all; chained inside my own brain - keeps me living in anxiety and fear. I must admit I really am afraid. As if aspergers and adhd isn't limiting in their own rights, the compulsive thoughts drown out all reason sometimes. Hands cold yet sweaty. Limbs shaking and breathing becomes harder. Like a stone on your chest, it's so heavy.
The days of quarantine aren't that different from normal to me, isolation is always present. Now it is simply amplified by the intense fear; not for my own sake; of contagion spreading.
I wanted to see the ocean. Hear the waves crash onto the shore, marvel at all creatures that reside there and see the sun disappear into the horizon, kissing the mountains and water far away. I wanted to not feel afraid, alone and alienated in this world. But I still do.
I've been trying, I really have. But I'm tired. Oh so tired.
I'm sorry if I've ever hurt you; I never meant to.
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