Cries of Disdain

Oh Grandmother, how it ails me to see you suffer so. How close we once were, but how hurt I became that you turned away and only cared about love. At least I learned that everyone leaves, everything changes and nothing is reliable. I will always treasure my memories with her; the good times. But it hurts that I never got the chance to tell her that or how I missed her when she stopped seeing us as much. I am responsible as well for not doing more, not doing enough. 

I've always felt alone, I've stated it before; but the true pain of solitude has never been more present. Days go by and the only contact I have is from listening to Twitch streams, and in between from family members. Be happy, don't cry now, you've cried so much. Everything ends, we all know it. You won't miss me, no one ever does. 

While I wallow in self-pity, as per usual, I see myself going down the dark path. It only gets worse, and I only have myself to blame. 

Surreal Minutes of Anguish

It all feels covered in a strange haze now; all the memories, the words and the feelings. Was I even there? Has anything been real or really mattered? I feel flat, like a line on a crossword. Meaningless. It all feels like it didn't happen to me but it happened to someone else. And now I am lost in the dark maze with no way out. The worst prison of them all; chained inside my own brain - keeps me living in anxiety and fear. I must admit I really am afraid. As if aspergers and adhd isn't limiting in their own rights, the compulsive thoughts drown out all reason sometimes. Hands cold yet sweaty. Limbs shaking and breathing becomes harder. Like a stone on your chest, it's so heavy.

The days of quarantine aren't that different from normal to me, isolation is always present. Now it is simply amplified by the intense fear; not for my own sake; of contagion spreading.

I wanted to see the ocean. Hear the waves crash onto the shore, marvel at all creatures that reside there and see the sun disappear into the horizon, kissing the mountains and water far away. I wanted to not feel afraid, alone and alienated in this world. But I still do.
I've been trying, I really have. But I'm tired. Oh so tired.

I'm sorry if I've ever hurt you; I never meant to.

Annihilation

Lately I've been finding myself with a lack of time; turns out spending hours in the Rift and Tamriel doesn't actually make you progress in the real world. In retrospect I am not particulary regretful albeit from the fact that my creative outlets have diminished due to time. It's a silly thing - time. Creates mountains of agony and anxiety because you know one day time will end. It's a painful realisation which I find myself unable to cope with. I do not want the ones I love to die and leave me alone in this hellish world. How do people deal with knowing this?

Because I surely can't. To derail thinking about such things there are splendid things such as art, books, videogames, music and film. The latter which I haven't spent much time on lately either. I recently saw Annihilation, the film adaptation based on the book. It's probably the first film in quite awhile that made me continue thinking about it long after it ended. I guess it's interesting how many ways there are to interpret the story - you can align it to disease, depression and even aliens I guess.

These were words from long ago however they remain applicable. Yet almost a year ago now I got to try a new adhd-medicine after not having any success with the ones beforehand, and I went into this without any expectations but they really did change so much. I could paint and draw, something I have always liked but still struggled with, and actually focus. It may sound futile but for someone who hasn't been able to do things they still had interest in nor getting started/finishing things overall it was such a change. I can not stress it enough. Without them I feel sluggish, like I've only slept a few hours, slow and unfocused.

Now in these dark pandemic times I see people behaving as thus I always have - washed my hands excessively. I do wish people would take this more seriously so that we may see an end to these times but I am a bit disappointed... I guess the only right way for me to handle it is to make art with the same emotion these mellow gross times give me. Fare well.

Miss her so much.

Like Antennas to Heaven...

To Elude From Side-Effects

There is a strange heaviness to my body;
Like I move in slow motion
and the world around me missed the notion.
The longing to create
Becomes locked behind a gate,
that I am too heavy to reach
Whilst sniffling on my peach.

Is there a reason I can not paint;
is there a reason my brain is faint?
All the memories and things of want,
hidden behind a tiny croissant.

-

In the midst of these dark pandemic times I also can not get a hold of my adhd-meds... It's really frustrating not being able to paint, focus and plan. Or get started even... They've been hard to get for months and now the virus lockdowns are probably making it even harder. Fun... 

Nensha

From the ups and the downs and the eternal inner emptiness, there was actually a moment of content in there. And the content emotion was cut short by how my pc once more was plagued by unwillingness to cooperate. In comparison to my guinea pigs declining health it however seems rather futile, for she of course outweighs it. My lovely little furballs; oh how I love them. I hope I can help her.

“there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock.

people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other
one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners.

it hasn't told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.

or the terror of one person
aching in one place
alone

untouched
unspoken to

watering a plant.”
― Charles Bukowski, Love Is a Dog from Hell

So 2019 has passed. I see them moving, people I used to know, and I'm nought but a snail in comparison. I age just the same but my boots still tremble over the same mud as always. If there is anything I am good at in this world it is losing friends. Not even over petty squabbles, but from silence. I am terrible at keeping in touch. I didn't use to be this bad at it either, but even just replying to people I don't even know on social media can take me daaaays. I don't even know if this is due to aspergers or what it is, maybe I'm just uncapable.

I'm getting old. I dread the future, tomorrow, today and yesterday. Some days I really don't know how to find the will to live. Every human is unhappy time to time, but oh do I envy those that do not feel this perpetual inner void. A chasm that swallows things. Indeed I do sometimes ponder if I simply enjoy my own misery too much without knowing it and keeps me in it; or if the chords are just not all connected. A glitch on the way. Or is it due to years of masking myself unknowingly to cope; being lost in a forest of other peoples thoughts, feelings and beliefs?

I had a nice doctor over at psych ward, and finally got to try some ADHD-medicine. First ones didn't work but then one suddenly did. And it was such a difference. Of course that good doctor had to quit, so know we all know it is going downwards again. It's really not easy to get a doctor that understands all the different layers to aspergers, adhd and depression. Most talk straight from a book they've read, assuming so many of us are just the same. It isn't true at all. However; it helped a lot in concentrating, starting and doing things in general. And somehow it lead me back to painting. I've always enjoyed it but never could focus on doing it. And that is something I truly appreciate.

I regret not photographing much anymore... But I've been struggling, to find a way outside. To go outside... at all...

It's strange how much I love music and can not live without it; yet I am so completely fucking useless at playing instruments and creating music and all that... Such a shame; how old and fragile we've all become.

3am Epitaph

How do people live their lives
Knowing everyone they love will die?
I wish there was infinity,
so I could set us all free
Send me out into space
and let the sun burn my face 

We're gonna die tonight 

How do people shed so many tears
For people that up and disappear?
Angels on milk cartons,
riddles without names
A number in statistic papers
Forgotten and fade away  

In death we all fade away 

Soon spring will begin again; nature will be reborn in it's infancy and things will grow anew. I'm not sure if it's worth... guess I will stream when season 9 League starts? as long as my hand, body and mentality survives... who knows really. well dress warm, it's still snowing.

Included but secluded.

I hate New Years Eve. I don't really know why. I've tried lots of different things during the years incuding the "normal" activities other people seem to like; one year I was actually in the town centre and at some party my classmates had invited me to, but I didn't really like it. I guess I was curious, I had never been to something of the like and suppose I had some innocence left back then. I wanted to enjoy it because everyone else did, but I really didn't. I wanted to go home and be alone, be miserable in peace. That's the thing, I never felt less lonely no matter what I did. Another year I was with a few friends at his place and had a nice dinner, which was fun but also a draining experience. I never felt like I belonged anywhere, and I guess I never will.

I will forever feel alone and alienated but at the same time I am cursed with not having enough social energy nor mental health to make it go away. I don't really know where I am going with this, I am rambling and the text is not really cohesive nor makes much sense. It is 2am and my brain just simply won't be quiet.

I have always been like this, I just don't know why I bothered trying before. yeah well whatever happy new shitty year, see if we will make it through it one more time

A pyre of black sunflowers

I've lost all my friends
And I can't really make amends
For turning back into my shell
Put the daggers in their place

An alien amongst men,
included but still separated
An invisible veil of isolation
No energy even in my own damnation

As if spending half of this year with an aching wrist and numb thumb wasn't bad enough, the symptoms are getting worse on other parts. Hopefully my time will be soon after new years eve. To the hospital, I didn't realise it sounded like dying otherwise. Some days it aches terribly, some days are luckily less. I don't even know anymore...

Life, such a fleeting strange thing it is. Fill it with books, games and medicines to forget the world; to flee if only for a moment.


I was born into this world yes, but I don't think I was ever truly part of it.

The Anchour.

Am I holding you hostage for a future less than ideal, less than you deserve? You are free with wings yet to be spread; if only you dare fly. I am your anchour, dragging you down to the bottom of the sea. If you had seen the sky above the clouds you too would join the orchestra of potential. I loved in fear; you loved in whole and for that I will cut our bounds. The depths of the sea is no place to be when the world lies ahead of you; when there is a life yet to live. I am the anchour and it is time for you to sail away.

They'll clap when you're gone

For the past two and a half months I've been suffering from an inflammation in my wrist, making me unable to play any games or anything of the sort. It's gotten better but my thumb still hurts after using it for a time, so not healed entirely. During this time I have spent hours on thinking. Reflecting. Contemplating.

I've read more books than in long. I've written more words than I have in two years; shame it was all bad but still. Yet I've never felt more isolated. Hardly a single person has spoken to me outside of my family members. I am a solitary person; but I am also a very non-solitary person. I don'y quite grasp it myself. I've lost countless friends to not being able to keep up to their social pace. They want to do things often or it's almost as if you are not friends. It's so different for people, especially people with assburgers like me.

I've almost always felt lonely inside. Even when I used to have friends. I don't know, it's like I want to talk to people often but I also get sooooo tired. Social interactions literally drain me, I don't even know how I got through school. I don't really know what my point with all this is... I just feel alone. And I know I'm partly responsible for losing so many friends through the years; even if a lot of them didn't bother contacting me either I was no better.

And so here we are, in a situation where probably only my family would get sad if I died. That's also something I've been reflecting a lot over. Suicide. I'm scared of dying but more scared of living, so I probably idealise it in a sick way. A way out. Endless white noise and sleep. No more pain or fears. There might not be any love either but in my state I don't feel that is much loss.


So yeah, to prevent myself from slicing my wrists open (even when gently stroking them, eyeing at them as if they were taunting me with how close it really always it) I made a little list of things. Things to remember when it's midnight and nobody loves you. Things to remember when the itch for the end crawls through your goddamn spine; like a tumour eating your body whole. Things to remember when you remember that you love your mother, love your brother and feel the infinite guilt of not being better for their sake.


1. Shadow Domain's debut album. 
2. Cyberpunk 2077. 
3. Red Dead Redemption 2.
4. To finish a story; even if it is a bad one. 
5. Read books. (Still have not read Neuromancer tsk.)
6. Second season of Altered Carbon. 
7. Seeing Hob finish the God-run. 
8. Consider learning French. 
9. My guinea pigs. 
10. Read. Write. Read. Write. 
11. Play Riven one more time. 
12. Metro Exodus. 
13. Use all the bath-bombs/oils etc I have. 
14. Evil Within 2 100% achievements.
15. RE:2 remake. 
16. LDR new album. 


Perhaps it would also be of best interest that I remind myself of a few things: it is never too late to kill yourself, nobody will ever care as much as you do about yourself and in death we are forgotten.